21 05 2006 Chelsea Old Boys 4 "Arsenal Old Boys" 2
To call the opposition Arsenal old boys was an overstatement of the highest order. Today, at the surprisingly good
ground where Tooting & Mitcham play, we saw a farcical football match ruined by poor weather. We stood at the back
of a stand freezing our nads off, laughing at Gareth Hall, wishing we hadn't turned up. Just like the old days then!
Anyway, Chelsea won 4-2, all the money went to charity. I think this report by John McNaughty Boy can sum it up:
"Just back from Tooting and Mitcham where the Chelsea Old Boys were playing today. What a depressing experience
that was. I arrived quite early to meet somebody at the main entrance, and had the dubious pleasure of standing next
to a gaggle of middle-aged autograph hunters. When I first got there, they were just recovering from the excitement
that Ian Britton's arrival had caused amongst them. A few minutes later, Jason Cundy appeared and did the honours
for them, while one of them told him how great it was to see him talking such good sense on Chelsea TV. Some bloke
wandered past and they got wind of the fact that he was an ex-Chelsea player. I know my Chelsea but I didn't have a
clue who he was. Anyway, they asked him to sign and then as he walked away, they deciphered the autograph as
Paul Williams. Next followed a quick sprint to the wall where two of them picked up - I kid you not - reference books
that they had brought along! "Paul Williams, he made one appearance in 1982". There was an odd-shaped woman
with them (I definitely wouldn't have) and she piped up "I think it was against Oldham". "Dunno, it just says one
appearance in 1982". "I'm sure it was against Oldham".
Next arrival was Ralf Little. "Ralf Little, my arse" said one garden shed as the actor walked over to sign. It was a truly
depressing moment. "Alright mate". "Is there going to be another series of The Royle Family?" "Well they keep talking
about it but who knows?" "What about a Christmas special?" "There are rumours that there's going to be one but I
won't believe it until I'm on set filming it".
Ralf goes inside and then the gaggle suddenly get very animated. "Here comes Bradley Walsh". "Ooh, Bradley
Walsh". "Where?". "Oh yeah, here he comes". I'm standing there thinking 'Bradley Walsh, he's currently a big cheese
on the telly, this is a bit of a coup for a Chelsea Old Boys game'. And then I saw him striding towards us. And it WAS
Bradley Walsh, only it wasn't THE Bradley Walsh, it was the Bradley Walsh who is actually called Tommy Walsh, and
is famous for being the fat bloke off Ground Force.
As kick-off approached, that Mark Westwood bloke who runs the Old Boys team (the bloke who contributed quite a bit
to Clive Batty's recent book - including a few of his sexual fantasies - and who has twice deleted plugs for my book
and website from the Chelsea Old Boys message board as a result) kept coming outside speaking as loud as he
possibly could on his mobile to look important. "Is Bobby Stuart coming today, Mark?" "Bobby Who?" "Bobby Stuart"
"Don't know him mate". "Graham Stuart" "Oh, Graham Stuart, no cos he lives in Southport and it's too far to come".
"What about Colin Pates?" "Pasty? (on my kids' lives, he called him Pasty as in Cornish Pasty), yeah, Pasty's coming".
Anyway, Peter Rhoades-Brown arrived and was asked if he was OK. "Yeah, I'm fine". "Oh, just wanted to check that
your job was safe what with Oxford being relegated". Bloody hell!!!! Steve Finnieston got: "Hello Steve, remember
having a drink with me in The Shed Bar after that Chelsea game?"! Trevor Aylott was told to "Have a good game", to
which he rightly replied: "That'd be a first".
It was just so, so depressing. Aren't there any trains for these people to spot on a Sunday afternoon. They are
dangerous people, they remind me of Avid Merrion when he kept 'The Craig' chained up in his toilet. Don't be
surprised if you one day hear that Timmy Elmes has been abducted by a middle-aged man in an anorak, carrying a
copy of one of Ron Hockings' books."
Additional photos thanks to BlueAngel.
ground where Tooting & Mitcham play, we saw a farcical football match ruined by poor weather. We stood at the back
of a stand freezing our nads off, laughing at Gareth Hall, wishing we hadn't turned up. Just like the old days then!
Anyway, Chelsea won 4-2, all the money went to charity. I think this report by John McNaughty Boy can sum it up:
"Just back from Tooting and Mitcham where the Chelsea Old Boys were playing today. What a depressing experience
that was. I arrived quite early to meet somebody at the main entrance, and had the dubious pleasure of standing next
to a gaggle of middle-aged autograph hunters. When I first got there, they were just recovering from the excitement
that Ian Britton's arrival had caused amongst them. A few minutes later, Jason Cundy appeared and did the honours
for them, while one of them told him how great it was to see him talking such good sense on Chelsea TV. Some bloke
wandered past and they got wind of the fact that he was an ex-Chelsea player. I know my Chelsea but I didn't have a
clue who he was. Anyway, they asked him to sign and then as he walked away, they deciphered the autograph as
Paul Williams. Next followed a quick sprint to the wall where two of them picked up - I kid you not - reference books
that they had brought along! "Paul Williams, he made one appearance in 1982". There was an odd-shaped woman
with them (I definitely wouldn't have) and she piped up "I think it was against Oldham". "Dunno, it just says one
appearance in 1982". "I'm sure it was against Oldham".
Next arrival was Ralf Little. "Ralf Little, my arse" said one garden shed as the actor walked over to sign. It was a truly
depressing moment. "Alright mate". "Is there going to be another series of The Royle Family?" "Well they keep talking
about it but who knows?" "What about a Christmas special?" "There are rumours that there's going to be one but I
won't believe it until I'm on set filming it".
Ralf goes inside and then the gaggle suddenly get very animated. "Here comes Bradley Walsh". "Ooh, Bradley
Walsh". "Where?". "Oh yeah, here he comes". I'm standing there thinking 'Bradley Walsh, he's currently a big cheese
on the telly, this is a bit of a coup for a Chelsea Old Boys game'. And then I saw him striding towards us. And it WAS
Bradley Walsh, only it wasn't THE Bradley Walsh, it was the Bradley Walsh who is actually called Tommy Walsh, and
is famous for being the fat bloke off Ground Force.
As kick-off approached, that Mark Westwood bloke who runs the Old Boys team (the bloke who contributed quite a bit
to Clive Batty's recent book - including a few of his sexual fantasies - and who has twice deleted plugs for my book
and website from the Chelsea Old Boys message board as a result) kept coming outside speaking as loud as he
possibly could on his mobile to look important. "Is Bobby Stuart coming today, Mark?" "Bobby Who?" "Bobby Stuart"
"Don't know him mate". "Graham Stuart" "Oh, Graham Stuart, no cos he lives in Southport and it's too far to come".
"What about Colin Pates?" "Pasty? (on my kids' lives, he called him Pasty as in Cornish Pasty), yeah, Pasty's coming".
Anyway, Peter Rhoades-Brown arrived and was asked if he was OK. "Yeah, I'm fine". "Oh, just wanted to check that
your job was safe what with Oxford being relegated". Bloody hell!!!! Steve Finnieston got: "Hello Steve, remember
having a drink with me in The Shed Bar after that Chelsea game?"! Trevor Aylott was told to "Have a good game", to
which he rightly replied: "That'd be a first".
It was just so, so depressing. Aren't there any trains for these people to spot on a Sunday afternoon. They are
dangerous people, they remind me of Avid Merrion when he kept 'The Craig' chained up in his toilet. Don't be
surprised if you one day hear that Timmy Elmes has been abducted by a middle-aged man in an anorak, carrying a
copy of one of Ron Hockings' books."
Additional photos thanks to BlueAngel.
